I'm not on this board too often anymore but I noticed your post and thought I would try to help. Like John.a I come from a non-JW background so I have no "insider" experience as some others on this forum do.
I know that the JWs harp on the heaven vs. paradise earth thing a lot and honestly can't understand why. No matter what, whether we spend eternity in heaven or on paradise earth, we are saved by placing our faith in the Son of God and in His finished work on the cross. Period. Nothing we can do for God (preaching, Bible knowledge, obeying JW doctrine, etc.) can even come close to what He has done for us. The real question is, can a person really put their faith in Christ through the Watchtower org? I think the answer is yes, but the Watchtower puts a lot of pseudo-theological clutter and an emphasis on works (vs. an emphasis on grace) in front of Jesus, which makes it harder to see Him and believe. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to trouble your mind with the whole "what happens when I die" thing. If you have put your faith in Jesus Christ alone for your salvation, then you be with Him when your life in this world is over, whether that be on paradise earth or in heaven.
God knows all, and His mind is revealed to us through His Word. Whatever energy you expend reading and seeking to understand His Word (just YOU, not with JW publications' aid) will help you in your struggle. I believe it is the height of utmost arrogance for the Watchtower to claim that only they have the insight to understand the Scriptures. God's Holy Spirit is given to believers for that purpose (among others), and I have experienced the Holy Spirit's help in understanding the Scriptures many times in my walk with God.
I have come to the conclusion that a great many JW teachings are designed to make people dependent on the Watchtower (instead of God) for their spiritual development...which means when they start questioning as you are, you feel you have nowhere to go but back to them and their doctrine for help. No!! You can be free indeed -- freed by our Lord Jesus Christ! You do not need to rely on any human organization for your relationship with God. His love is limitless, mind-blowing, and unconditional!
But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death when we were of no use whatever to him. Romans 5:8, The Message